Fallon

Fallon being a cutie

"They always say it's weird watching it back."

That was what my mother said to me when I found the video of my old dog in the snow. I hadn't heard that before but I could attest to its truth.

Calling her my old dog is a strange phrase too.

She was old. She was my dog. She was literally my old dog but now that has new meaning. Now she is the old dog in comparison to our new dogs.

Her name was Fallon. I've said it before but I'll say it again. Fallon.

She had her mother's name. We liked it so we used it. I couldn't say whether she had her mother's eyes but what I do remember is her mother was missing one eye. Her dad hung over the gate to greet us when we got her. His tongue hung out of his mouth to the side and in years to come we found that she did the same.

Her paper says her name was 'Spot of bother' because of a birthmark on her nose and her boisterous behaviour. It was a pretty accurate name.

When we got her I made a scrapbook. It lasted a few days at best. It doesn't have much in it just some drawings I made where she looks more like a rabbit than a dog. When I was in school I wrote about how she always ran around the garden doing her 'business'. I still don't know why I wrote about that.

She was fluffy. So very very fluffy. Her hair was constantly cluttering the floors and finding its way into corners, under tables and stuck to socks. Occasionally it was in your cup of tea or in your food but it became second nature to just brush the hair away and carry on.

I wasn't there when she passed away but my mum cut a lock of her hair for me and attached the small bag it was in to a photo of her. I haven't taken it out as I'm too scared to lose it. Once that hair was everywhere and now all that is left is what is inside that tiny ziplock bag.

I didn't cry when she passed. That's something that still confuses me. I was sad. I was so very sad. I had just gotten off a train and found out the news. I kept the tears behind my eyes for my mum's sake but when it came down to it no tears came out. They felt like they were stuck somewhere behind my face. I felt like a head shaped bowl full of salty water.

I wonder if I didn't cry because I knew she was so sick. She had been sick for a while and we had been scared the year before by her health. She seemed to be on the mend but then again don't they all before it happens. If I look at old pictures, the ones that aren't really old, she looks so tired laying in the garden in the sun. She looks so aged.

I have a video on my phone. I know it's there but I haven't looked for it. I was on a dog walk with her, just the two of us. I liked the sound nature was making that day so I recorded my feet walking, the floor passing and her tail swishing from side to side.

I think one of the worst things is that I know how far back in my pictures I need to go to find her again.

I have a lot of memories of her. Some just stuck in my head and some stashed away on a computer. Over time I might record some more here but for now I'll just remember this.